Esther Smith’s Testimony, Divine Appointments, and Psalm 56
[this blog post was written by Esther N. Smith and shared with permission]
We all have those thoughts and choices in our lives that we hope no one, not even God, will know of them. However, God’s Word tells us in Psalm 94:11 that the LORD knows people’s thoughts.
My Story
Looking back 27 years ago, I did not know this truth, nor did I even know that it existed. My life was self-centered on me doing all I could to achieve whatever it was that made me feel connected, loved and accepted. I had pushed down the pain of rejection and abuse so deep that I was detached.
It wasn’t too long before I was in a situation where I had no control over what was happening. I can still feel that paralyzing fear to the point of behaving permissively to avoid further danger. Filled by thoughts of shame and guilt and anger, I found myself pregnant and not knowing what to do. I was told to make a choice. Convinced that it was the best choice, and that my life would be so much better after…that I would never think of this again nor remember it; I had the abortion.
Not too long after, I ended up married and having two sons. Life seemed okay until it wasn’t. Everything around me was falling apart, and then divorce. Single with two sons, I ended up making the same toxic life choices and trying to fill a void with anything and everything that was not of God. Before I knew it, I was making the same repeated destructive decision again. Convinced by the lies of never knowing or feeling or remembering, and that all will be OK, I did the unthinkable and chose abortion again. Once again, I felt even more empty and numb. Push it down...
Divine Appointments
I can recall that conversation in the airport. A sweet lady sharing her abortion story with me. I thought she knew my past! Afraid and scared that I had been found out, I worried I was going to go to hell. I thought I had hidden it from everyone and God. So now what?
Grace
She lovingly shared God’s word with me. The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. Psalm 103:8-10.
Mercy
It was then that I heard about the depth of the love of the Father. I can still recall Him asking me, “Esther, how many times do you need my Son to die on the cross for you? Wasn’t once enough?”
He revealed to me how Jesus didn’t say, “Never mind” while carrying my sins to the cross. How He even asked the Father to forgive us for we just didn’t know.
Oh, how I didn’t know how deep the darkness was in my life.
It was during my time with the LORD in Surrendering the Secret that He revealed to me His love, tenderhearted mercy and grace. He gave me permission to grieve what I had done. Permission to acknowledge my babies and know they are with Him in His Kingdom of Heaven. He gave me permission to love them and to feel His love again.
He said to me that it was okay to give Him my burdens and to trust in Him to take care of me, to heal me. He gave me permission to forgive. Psalm 55:22
Psalm 56:8-9 NLT
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side!”
My prayer is for others to know He offers this same grace to everyone.
Esther N. Smith
Attended abortion recovery retreat – September, 2024